YOU’D DO IT FOR RANDOLPH SCOTT

- or –

Ten Scenes In Blazing Saddles That Ended Up On The Cutting Room Floor, Plus Bonus Scenes

by

Shadow


1.

"Are we awake?"

Jim, upside down, blinked.

"We’re not sure. Are we actually wearing suede in 114-degree desert heat without sweating, thereby proclaiming our homosexuality to the world?"

"Yes, we are."

"Then we’re awake," Jim said. "But there are more comfortable ways to get a date." He grimaced as his position became uncomfortable. "I think I’d better straighten myself out."

"Please don’t bother on my account," Bart grinned.

*****

2.

"Okay, Jim. Since you are my guest, and I am your host, what are your pleasures? What do you like to do?"

"Oh, I don’t know . . . play chess . . . screw . . . "

Bart grinned and snapped his fingers.

"Well, damn. You know what? The props department forgot to give me a chess set."

The Waco Kid grinned.

*****

3.

"The Waco Kid! He had the fastest hands in the west."

"In the world. And my tongue’s even faster."

Bart snorted.

"Well, if you are the Kid, prove it. Show me something."

Jim licked his lips.

"I thought you’d never ask."

*****

4.

"So I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass."

"If I offer to kiss it and make it better, you gonna shoot me?"

Jim grinned.

"Not with my gun."

*****

5.

"Listen, Bart, I want you to do me a favor. I don’t want you going out there this morning."

"Why? Because these townspeople are never going to accept me, no matter what I do?"

"Nah . . . now that I’m not too drunk to get it up, it’s my turn on top."

"Jim, I like the way you think."

*****

6.

"I don’t know how you did it."

"Oh, he was nothing. The bitch was inventing the candygram."

"Yeah, I meant to ask you about that," Jim said. "How did you come up with putting a bomb in the box of candy?"

Bart grinned.

"Well, I had to think of something to fill up the candy box after you and I used up half the candy playing ‘who’s got the biggest chocolate-covered candycane.’ So then I thought, why not a bomb?"

Jim snickered.

"I didn’t even mind losing that game," he said. "Hey, Bart, you know what they say about men of your race being . . . gifted?"

"Yeah."

"You notice it’s several scenes before you see me sitting on a horse again, ‘cause it’s twoo, it’s twoo!"

*****

7.

Splash!

"WAKEUP TIME! Okay, Mongo. You’re free to go."

"Mongo no go."

"Oh, come on, Mongo. You’re a free man."

"Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff first man who ever whipped Mongo."

Jim snickered. "You know, I said just the same thing . . ."

"Mongo impressed. Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart."

Jim chuckled.

"Oh, you better watch out, big fellow. I think Mongo’s taken a little fancy to you."

"Jim, if we’re doing a threesome, one bucket of water’s not nearly enough. I saw the bean scene."

*****

8.

Charlie gaped at the man with the badge.

"You shifty nigger! They said you was hung!" he said to Bart.

"And they was right," Jim said with a grin.

*****

9.

"Listen to me, and listen to me good. I want you to get all the brothers together, round up all the lumber, canvas, paint and nails you can lay your hands on, and meet me tonight three miles due east of Rock Ridge at midnight."

Charlie grinned and reached for his chaps.

"Ooooh, sir, yes, sir!" he said.

*****

10.

"Nothing! What are we gonna do? Any minute now they’re gonna discover the town is fake and pull out!"

"Jim, baby, you think you could squeeze off a little shot from here?"

Jim, who had been squatting directly at eye level with Bart’s crotch, grinned.

"I’ll give it a try," he said.

*****

11.

"Where you headed, Cowboy?"

"Oh, nowhere special."

Jim pushed his hat back lazily.

"Nowhere special. You know, I’ve always wanted to go there."

Bart grinned.

"Come on."

Jim jumped on his horse, and they cantered off into the sunset.

Holding hands.

 

*****

Bonus Scene No. 1.

Why Bart and Jim did not appear in the pie fight sequence:

 

"Ohhhhhhhh God. Do that again and I’ll give you first billing in the credits."

"Banana cream, my favorite!"

*****

Bonus Scene No. 2.

The obligatory "beside a campfire on the trail" scene.

[Cut to two men huddled between saddle blankets]

"You know, there’s two valid plot reasons we could be doing this."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Well, the first reason is that we’re in a cheesy Western movie spoof overflowing with homoerotic humor and subtext, like for example the blatant sadomasochistic relationship between Taggart and Mongo, the totally unambiguous scene with Taggart reaching into Hedley Lamarr’s bathtub, this effeminate voice you put on when you pulled that trick on the Ku Klux Klansmen, me actually walking away after a night with Lili von Schtupp and coming home to you, and this really obvious fadeout on our conversation and then a fade back in to a scene where I’m rolling a smoke and lighting up. And let’s not forget the symbolism of the cigars and the schnitzengruben."

"Oh, yeah?" Jim grinned. "And what’s the other reason?"

"That we’re just two horny cowboys on a lonesome trail who suddenly realized that all this time, in the course of watching each other’s backs, we’ve actually been checking out each other’s asses."

Jim thought about it for a minute.

"I’ve got to go for the second one," he said thoughtfully.

"Oh yeah?" Bart said. "How come?"

"Because in the first scenario, the plot would call for one of us being seriously wounded and almost killed, a trauma strong enough to overcome our innate heterosexuality and elicit an eleventh-hour epiphany of the feelings we’ve been suppressing, leading to a confession of mutual love. We couldn’t just say, "Hey, buddy, I dig you, let’s get naked," and jump between the saddle blankets together. And even in that case we’re the lucky ones because with all the spoofing and homoerotic subtext, the groundwork’s already laid so that a near-death experience will do. If this was a serious Western where we were firmly established heterosexuals, apart from the usual brothers-in-arms latency and the known correlation between violence and sex, one of us might actually have to die to fulfill the angst quotient necessary to balance out the gender issue. So since I don’t particularly want to get nearly killed, and I don’t want you to get nearly killed, I’m all for skipping the sex-orientation confusion angst and moving right along to the sex, so I vote for the horny cowboy scenario. You?"

Bart considered.

"Works for me," he said.

*****

Bonus Scene No. 3.

Preview for Blazing Saddles II: The Next Degeneration

Old Chatty Robbins, squinting from the top of the church roof, saw the kiss. His jaw dropped. He picked up his jaw and shouted down to the townsfolk:

"The new sheriff’s a fa- -- "

BONNNNNNNNNNNNG! The peal of the bell almost knocked Chatty from his perch.

"What?" someone in the crowd said.

"He said ‘the new sheriff’s not far.’"

"NO, gol darn it," Chatty shouted. "The sheriff is a fa- -- "

BONNNNNNNNNNNNG!

"What’s that?"

"He said the sheriff’s coming fast!"

"No, rishnglslsnnab it!" Chatty howled unintelligibly. "I said the sheriff is a fa- -- "

BONNNNNNNNNNNNNG!"

"Huh?"

"He said the sheriff’s – uh – fat!"


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